Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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