You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
