I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Everything about him screamed your future.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
