Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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