Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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