i wish my penis had a tongue
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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