just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
