Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
