i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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