He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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