Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
