don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
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Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
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Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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