I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
