im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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