Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
