Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Every concussion has its silver lining
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
