a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
