Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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