I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
