i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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