that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
