You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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