She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
