Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
