so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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