If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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