I like to think it a success when the cops are called
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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