Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
