Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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