I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
