she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
