I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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