Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
