i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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