Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hippo gnu deer
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
