Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
