Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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