And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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