Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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