I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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