So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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