I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
