life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
