He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
