this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
