woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
