i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
