just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
