Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
