i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
40s are totally the cure
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
