i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
