Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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