Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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