i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
