Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
