Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
