Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
