You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
