He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You took a bar mat shot.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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