The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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